Leaning In

Hey readers, welcome back to another blog entry. Thank you for being here.

A lot has gone on within these last six months and as much as I’ve desired to write about it, I never knew where to start or really had the mental capacity to sort out my thoughts for the purpose of writing. I still don’t…but writing is what I enjoy so I refuse to lose this outlet. God has still been good and that is why I’m still here pushing for what I love to do and trying to make lemonade from all of these lemons. After all, this is why I chose to relaunch my website. Giving people the real about what it looks like to trust God as you go through life is essential. Otherwise people will continue to assume what being a believer is and they will always get it wrong.

In the last six months, I have still been working and going to school. Though that has been taking up most of my time and energy, I am also juggling wifehood which requires effort and growth every day, navigating friendships, church community, re-affirming sibling connections, and still trying to make time to do things to make me happy. It’s been a lot. Toward the end of the summer I also lost my mother which has added grief to the pile. Some days I don’t know where to start and where to end. I often don’t know where to give more of my energy and where to pull back. This is where my learning to lean on God comes most in handy. I give God my long list and ask Him to help me show up for the people I love without losing myself. I can honestly say he’s been sustaining me.

Some of these sectors of my life mesh together. My desire to make lasting relationships in Michigan has become coupled with my church community. Another sector of my life that meshes to the other is the relationships I have with my siblings and the passing of my mother. I’ve never been on bad terms with my siblings but we really had to band together once we found that my mother was no longer doing well health wise. When she was alive, we’d go back and forth about how to best care for her long term. When the doctors finally pronounced her death, we knew we had to stick together tighter than before. Between dealing with the extended family’s opinions about her care and people becoming controlling in the worst ways, the 4 of us had to have a lot of conversations and make decisions that we knew she would have wanted over anything else. It was hard. It was annoying. I found myself really angry some days as well, but we got through it. Mom has gone to stand before the King of Kings. She has gotten to see his face, hear his voice, feel his overwhelming glory and forget about the cares of this world. At the end of the day, that is all I wanted for her. I didn’t want her to worry anymore, fight anymore, battle depression or anything of the sort. Did I want her to pass? No. Did I want her healed? YES. And what I’ve learned to understand about God is that His ways will always be greater, better and higher than ours. He saw fit to allow my mother to be healed in this way and so all that I can say is Amen.

I still hurt, I cry and I think about her everyday, but I never let it consume me. I may have a moment late in the night or while I’m in the shower, and then I gather myself because I also know how the enemy works. In my vulnerability the enemy still looks for how to devour me. He still looks for a way to make me question God’s goodness. He doesn’t rest. So neither do I. My spirit is always in communication with God and what I’ve learned to do is pray while I’m in those moments of sadness. I share my thoughts and feelings with the Lord and He still speaks to my heart. Transparently, I see why people can go from grief to believing that their loved ones are still present with them and helping them on the other side. It’s a belief that becomes cultivated from the deep sadness of losing loved ones because thinking about them and wanting them close again is a real emotion you go through. As a believer, whenever I feel that way or maybe I say something that patterns after that thought, I check myself. The Bible says that there is a time for everything (Ecclesiastes 3:1-8). Nothing more. It also says that it is appointed for a man to die once and then stand before the Lord (Hebrews 9:27).

Is it innocent for me to miss my mother and want to still talk to her? Yes. Is it acceptable for a believer to take the steps to go and attempt to do that just to feel comfort again? No. I remind myself of the Word of God and I crucify the parts of me that are tempted. It’s a hard truth to swallow but nevertheless we have to endure it. many things we will go through on this side of life and there are questions that we may never get answered until we’ve gone on to the other side. I have to make the questions I have about her in death none of my business. I have to trust that God’s word is what it is and not poke or pry for additional information. The truth is, the enemy thinks he can tempt you with the same things that have run in your family before you. If he’s gotten other family members to bite, it would be foolish to think he wouldn’t attempt it with you. Because I know that there are members in my family who worship ancestors, orishas, practice voodoo and hoodoo, and other occultic practices, I know where I need to be guarded.

The Lord allowed me to see a lot of things through the years and I used to think that it was so that I knew what to pray against. That wasn’t all. He allowed me to see what was running through my bloodline because he also knew that I would need to be the one to smash the alters. God called me to be a Gideon in my family. How does one move like Gideon without having any awareness of what was going on around them? They can’t. So for 4+ years God has allowed me to be in spaces to see things for what they truly are, study behaviors and be able to decipher spirits that present as kind but are wicked. When the moment came to smash the alters, I did so with the backing of the Holy Spirit. I say all of this to say that if we hold true to being children of God, we don’t get to turn that off when we go through grief or any other hard thing. We are Kings kids all day, every day. If I had it my way, I would have my mother healed on this side of life. But sometimes God’s healing both looks different and is attached to another assignment that is ultimately connected to your life as well.

Are you strong enough to hear and obey the Lord in the toughest of times? I don’t think God calls us to be strong all the time. In fact, His word says that when we are weak, He is strong (2 Corinthians 12:9-10). What I do believe is that He does still look for us to be obedient. He still looks for us to be sensitive to His voice. He stills looks to see if we will lean into him instead of leaning away and pursuing comfort in other avenues. It is hard but above all else, Christ is clear in Matthew 10: 37-38. Process that scripture. I don’t know what you all may be going through but I hope I’ve said something impactful for you to take to the Lord and process for yourselves. I will be alright as long as the Lord is with me. Until next time, God bless you.